Olives, Grapes and a Diamond

 “It is good for me that I have been afflicted; that I might learn thy statutes.”

Psalms 119:71

Before there is olive oil, there must be a crushing of the olives in order for the oil to be extracted and produced.  Wine (unfermented) goes through a similar process in that the grapes must be crushed in order to capture the juices that are then processed into wine.  A diamond in rare form isn’t much to look at in the beginning; however, once it undergoes a combination of high temperature and high pressure, the diamond rough becomes the sparkly faceted gem that is showcased in the finest of jewelry stores across the world. 

You may be wondering what these 3 things have in common: olives, grapes and a diamond-bearing rock.  They all must undergo the intense process of being crushed and broken before they can be of greater use to the masses.  That, beloved, describes my life right now.  Like the olives and grapes, I am going through a crushing process to produce new oil and new wine, and like the diamond, the pressure and temperature has been set on high.  Am I exaggerating in the slightest?  Far from it! 

The last few weeks have been pretty intense.  If you’re a regular reader of my eJournal, then you know through my previous entries such as No Weapons Will Prosper, Are You Willing to Pay the Price, and DETERMINED, that the enemy has intensified his attacks because of the greater heights God is taking me.  He tried to come against me through my church family, and when that didn’t work, he then tried to use my family and friends against me.  That still didn’t work so then he opted to try to use my children against me because he knew that would bring any mother to her knees.  And it did – first in pain and then in prayer.  It first happened through one child, in which this child blatantly defied me, tried to physically assault me and then decided he would leave home.  Well, that was a big blow especially since I am close with all of my children; yet, I decided to trust God instead of what was happening.  Well, shortly after that I seen the enemy working through another child and it was pretty painful to watch and experience.  Quite honestly, it was absolutely painful.  These things were happening while I was facing the threat of having my only vehicle repossessed and my home foreclosed.

Last night things hit me kind of hard; as I was led to composing an email to send to my friends, family and my church family.  The email was basically asking them to help me be able to purchase the clergy items I needed such as a custom cassock, cincture, clergy shirts and other items.  As I was composing the email, I grew sad to the point where I had to walk away from my computer and tell the Lord that I couldn’t do this right now.  Why?  Well, I had lived most of my life being the lender and not the borrower, and certainly not the asker.  I was the one who was perceived as “always having her act together”.  Ms. Independent usually was able to go into Macy’s to buy a suit without being overly concerned with the price tag, and now God was leading me to a deeper level of humility.  I lived most of my life not having to really ask family or friends for anything, and now I was put in the position where I had to.  What really made it difficult is that I had to involve my church family, the very family who sees me more than even my biological family.  Though this crushing process has been going on for quite some time, many people who see me can never tell what I was going through because somehow God provided me with an unbelievable joy and rest in Him.    Don’t get me wrong, I never tried to hide it; I just didn’t believe I needed to broadcast it.  Anyway, after having to step away from the computer, I went downstairs and cried.  Shortly afterward, I got into a disagreement with a loved one, and at that moment, I really wanted to give into anger, frustration, hurt, anxiety and any other emotion I was feeling.  At that moment, I didn’t want to be strong or righteous, but wanted to give back the hurt that I was receiving from many directions.  And for a moment, I did; however, it was short lived.  It’s times like this where you really see the fruit of the Spirit (or lack thereof) working in your life.  Righteousness is not acted but imputed because of He who lives within me!  To God be all the glory!

During our phone conversations with my mother, she would often tell me that as a child, I was very remorseful.  She said that when I was a little girl, my pediatrician told her that I was the kind of child that shouldn’t be spanked because I was a remorseful child, and as such, I would be hard on myself for my mishaps and mistakes and then discipline myself to not do it again.  This was true then and is still true now.  Though my loved one and I exchanged and accepted apologies, then I asked for forgiveness from God, I woke up this morning still in remorse and disappointment in myself.  During my morning prayer, I just cried and voiced to God how upset I was with myself and asked Him for forgiveness again.  He then had to tell me He forgave me and that I needed to forgive myself.  I continued in prayer and told the Lord I would send the email that I composed last night.  While I was praying, I booted my computer and clicked Sent to send off the email.  I cried just thinking about the sneers, ridicule and thoughts others would have.  I thought about how much of a private person I WAS and how I didn’t like to involve anyone in my situations – especially those who I know may have their own opinions about me.  Just then, the Holy Spirit asked me, “When did you take your eyes off of God and onto people?”  I realized how true that was and there was nothing I could say to defend myself; for He was absolutely true.  The Lord then let me know that there was spiritual significance to my sending the email, and it wasn’t only for my benefit but also for the recipients.  I just cried because this revelation didn’t seem to ease my pain.  All I could do was cry the more. 

After I prayed, I played a song titled Yes by Shekinah Glory Ministries and began to get dressed to run an errand.  I chose this song because it encapsulated what I was experiencing.  Though I was being broken and though I spent most of my morning crying, my soul still cried out to God YES!  YES, I would do what you ask of me and YES I would continue to seek you with my whole heart!  Though YES was becoming costly, my soul and heart still cried out YES to God.   After getting dressed, I jumped into my car and was off to take care of my errand and I cried all the way there.  Afterward, I didn’t want to return home and I needed someone to talk to.  My selection of people to vent to is very small, really 2 people, and I called one of them and she wasn’t available.  I got on the interstate and started heading toward my church at 11 O’clock in the morning.  I knew there was a slim chance for anyone being there, but I figured I’d still go.  When I got there, the parking lot was empty so I drove to my daughter’s house which is right around the corner from the church.  I called her once I pulled up into her driveway and asked her to come outside.  She came out and back on the interstate I went.  I couldn’t say anything to her in the car though she was asking was I OK and what was wrong.  The next thing I knew we pulled up into the parking lot of one of our sisters in Christ who didn’t know I was coming over.  Truthfully, neither did I.  As my daughter and I was in the elevator, it was impressed in my spirit that I wasn’t there by chance but there by divine hook-up, and even in my brokenness, I needed to minister to this person. 

When we got off the elevator and knocked on her door, my sister in Christ was home.  We stayed there for about 2 hours and we were able to minister to each other; for iron sharpens iron.  I marvel at God and how He set-up everything.  The anointing in me had to minister to my sister though I was experiencing my own pain, and the anointing in my sister had to minister to me though she was in her own pain.  At one point, we were both sitting on her bed holding each other and crying.  My daughter later told us that she was supposed to sit there and bear witness to what was happening.  By the end of the visit, my sister’s countenance had changed from the face of despair that met us to a face of peace and blessed reassurance that God is in control.  She wasn’t the only one with the changed countenance.

After dropping off my daughter, I knew that I had a lot of difficult phone calls to creditors that I had to make having no idea of what to say.  I knew that God was showing me how to rely on Him in all areas, as well as how to love those who mistreat me and even those who don’t really like me.  He is showing me how to deal with the hurts people may cause without letting it root bitterness, unforgiveness, and resentment in my heart.  He wants me to instead cast my cares upon Him because He cares for me.  “Vengeance is mine”, says the Lord, which means I cannot concern myself with taking something that rightfully belongs to my Father.   Instead I must keep my focus upon the Lord and He will work everything else out!

Without trying to sound like anything but the broken vessel that I am, I am very much aware of the heavy call and anointing that is on my life.  That mystery has been revealed quite some years ago.  And though all of my life experiences are part of the process to get me to where He wants me to go, it is now that the process has been more intense, and guess what?  I willingly follow Him.  I follow Him out of love, reverence, reverential fear, and an ever-increasing trust in Him.  I follow Him because I realize that He made me for His glory and not my own glory, and consequently, I have to unlearn all the “crap” that life has taught me and learn my Father’s way.   

Though crushing and high temperatures and pressure are not a pleasant experience, it produces a crucifixion of the flesh and fruit of the Spirit that I myself cannot produce, mimic nor create.  I find myself saying more and more what Paul said in 1 Corinthians 2:2, “For I decided to know nothing among you except Jesus Christ and Him crucified.”  This means that I let go of trying to impress people (and even myself) with whatever knowledge, learned or revelatory, and realize that the only thing worth knowing and sharing is Christ.  I am no longer interested in impressing people; for what heaven or hell do they possess?  Instead I’ve purposed to do the things that glorify God and edify others; to learn the things that can help me and help others to know Christ and the power of His resurrection.  So, in closing, I quote the Psalmist in Psalms 119:71, “It is good for me that I have been afflicted; that I might learn thy statutes.”

God bless!

© 2009, Naima Williams. All rights reserved.